| hello there, the angel from my nightmare |
[03 Mar 2004|09:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
yeah yeah yeahs-maps |
] |
x-posted
so yes.. i have not "Cut" in a little over 2 weeks.. i put is in quotations because i have cut, just not the way i usually do..
since i've got my liscense.. i have been really busy and i came out of my depression, and i haven't really had to interact with my mother much.. so yes.. i haven't been in many of the position that i usually have to cut in.. so i have been really good. and in my effort to cut.. i have not bought any razors in over 2 months! this is amazing! i went to the store and was so ready.. i held them in line and then.. i decided against it..so yes.. i guess its more that i havent had the opportunity or the tools to cut they way i "need" to. But, i have made friends with a semi-sharp swiss army knife that has come in handy when i need it.. but i only used it 2 times and honestly i think i didnt really need to.. but anyway.. the other night.. i REALLY needed to.. i was dying.. my mother was just.. ahh, it was so bad..i couldn't stand it. the insults, the wrongness. all of is.. it was too much.. and oh god i wanted to cut so badly. like i used to.. sit on my bed and gash words and cuts into my body.. but I DIDNT! im not sure if im more disapointed *sick* or proud of myself..i felt empty.. it takes a lot longer to feel better after something without cutting.. i had to wait to calm down because i didnt have that instant release to make myself feel better.. but never the less..i did not cut then.. not even with the little knife.. i was amazed actually.
so yes. besides all that.. i have made one other GIANT step.. i told my therapist that i cut.. it was weird.. shes the first adult i've told.. its crazy.. im not sure why.. i did it because i knew that she couldn't tell my parents now that i've "stopped" and i thought it would help me in my "recovery" but im not sure if i regret it or not.. so yea..
the scars are still really bad..i think im getting whiter and the weather is getting warmer...and im running out of options.. i think my parents are catching on.. they keep making comments about all my long sleeve shirt wearing..
well.. thats where i am now..
.life is hard..but i appreciate the support.
im dealing the best i can, and honestly, if i but razors and i need to cut, im going to.. because this is my crutch, and im not completely sure that i am ready to walk without it.
XashlyX
|
|
| #1 |
[08 Feb 2004|03:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
fine |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
incubus-megalomaniac |
] |
well. i actually don't have much to talk about because i haven't cut in like a week, because 1) ive been really sick and 2) im trying to stop (note the icon). So yes, i dont have any non-scarred section of my legs, arms or stomach, and this is not good. i dont know what im going to do when summer comes around. im so screwed and im just waiting for them to go away so i can live my life semi-normally again. I've actually been in a really good mood the past few days.. and i havent started to take the meds yet, im still convinced i dont need them. anyway. i will post again. when i feel like it.
i really want the cuts on my arms to heal.. ive been soaking them and neosporin-ing them but.. they are taking forever.. any ideas? i need to wear short sleeve shirts again damn it!.
i bet things would be different if i had a boyfriend. and prom is coming up soon. so maybe things are going to start changing in my favor.
who knows..
|
|
| welcome |
[06 Feb 2004|04:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
incubus-megalomaniac |
] |
ok im really excited to have a new lj so i can be really open with my SI and this way i dont have to worry about my friends finding out. this way i can also talk about whatever i want and bad mouth the bitches who piss me off and they wont know.
this is great.
add me and i'll add you :)
i don't even have to make them "friends only" because nobody knows about this journal except you guys.
XashlyX
i will post again soon.
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lonelygames's journal